Marc Behrendt Fossil Preparation - and
Marc Behrendt Scientific Services 

Marc Behrendt
421 South Columbus Street
Somerset, Ohio, 43783 USA
(740) 743-2818



I hope you know!  Trilobites Rule!
Just say no to echinoderms!
Warning: all echinoderms have echinodermatitis - handle with caution! is thrilled to exhibit some cartoon work
by Greg Courtney.          (Do not copy without Mr. Courtney's permission)
Greg is a commercial artist who bases much of his humor on real life occurrences,
though some of his humor is just plain visionary!  Visit Greg's Cincinnati's World
Famous website for over 300 photo-images of Cincinnati fossils at


Trilobites make great pets because…

1.  They “live” forever.
2.  They don't mess on the floor.
3.  You always know where to find them.
4.  They don't back away when you pet them.
5.  They don't hump your leg.

6.  They are easy to dust.
7.  People aren't allergic to them.
8.  They don't carry fleas.
9.  You don't need to neuter or spay them.
10.  Their food costs next to nothing.

11.  They learn certain tricks really well, such as "stay" and "play dead"
12.  If they’ve been neglected for a while, they still show you the same affection
          as when you first got them
13.  They don't complain when they are left in the car overnight
14.  They are fine models for portraiture
15.  They hardly ever growl at strangers

16.  They don't fight when you add new ones to the mix
17.  They don't wake the baby when you just put them to sleep.
18.  They don't "eat" your favorite cap when you are not home
19.  They don't bug you until you take them for a walk.
20.  They can fit in your pocket.

21.  They don't multiply (even if I wish they could)
22.  They never need bathes.
23....If you have any to add- email them to



A Cambrian jelly fish walked into the new hardware shop and ordered ten drills....

Here's to me!

I went collecting with 2 paleontologists from a local university.  They saw a
horrible red rash on my arm and asked me about it.  I told them I was
collecting Flexicalymene trilobites from the Cincinnati area last weekend, and
developed this rash the next day.  Asked what I was doing for the rash, I
replied I have been applying calamine lotion constantly, but it has had no
effect.  My two friends looked at each other, both shaking their heads in
disbelief.   "Your problem is you are using calamine lotion. For this rash,
you need to be using Flexicalamine lotion."


Two trilobites go into a bar. The first one orders a drink (a cliffhanger, on the
rocks, with a twist of limestone), the other says "no thanks, I'm staying dry.
The last time I got hammered I ended up in a display case in some
guy's den for 2 years.

Shanan, a Paleontologist, was telling his mother what he studied and worked
with for a living. "I don't understand" she stated. "Trilobites mom, I work with
spineless fossils!" "Oh" she replied, "which part, Senate or Congress?"



A mother and son trilobite were discussing their family heritage. Mom said,
"Uncle Charlie was involved with the mob. We heard he was blown up with
several sticks of dynamite and we think his remains are buried in the end
zone of Toronto's Skydome Stadium.

Two trilobites walked into a bar shortly after a severe earthquake.  The
bartender told them that due to the earthquake, the bar was closed.  The
trilobites were disappointed and stated "hey- it wasn't our fault."


T errific E yes - none
R adical C olumns - no legs
I ncredible H ead - none
L egs I nventive - OK, maybe a little….
O cculars N ebulous
B isymmetry O ccular - none
I nventive D igs - no, only swaying
T egmen E xtinct - no
E xceptionally extinct R adial, not radical
M otile - no


A trilobite walks into a bar. Bartender asks what he'll have. The trilobite says
"a whiskey - wait- this has been a horrible day, better make it a doublure."

A group of disheveled trilobite fossils are on a bus on their way to a
preparation and repair shop. They stop at a restaurant for lunch. The
waitress could barely understand a single order as she progressed down
the line. Finally, the last trilobite said, "I'd like a luscious hamburger
smothered in grilled onions and sumptuous cheddar cheese." The waitress
asked, "why do you speak so well when I cannot understand any of the
others?" He answered "because I am the most articulate one of the group."



How many new age Paleontologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they would prefer to leave it in place , study in situ,
and leave it for future generations.

My brother graduated from college with a Paleontology degree in the 1960's.
After a summer of field work, he stated that he "couldn't dig this scene."
So he worked on fossil research in his laboratory. A year later he resigned.
He said the work got old.


One possible reason why fossil collectors often find only fossil starfish arms….

starfish1side.jpg (19103 bytes) starfish2side.jpg (23818 bytes)

Unfortunately, the rules limiting athletic starfish tidal zone celebrations came
too late to prevent crippling starfish injuries, rampant during the Paleozoic.
(drawings by Jenny Inman)


Project Abstract that never had a chance:
I observed that when two brachiopods were in close proximity to each other,
they would host one or more kinds of epifauna - however other nearby fossils
contained no epifauna. This was only true if brachiopods were arranged in
groups of 2. If alone, or 3 or more were grouped together, all brachiopods
plus all the other fossil groups exhibited epifauna. After extensive research,
I was totally befuddled by the observations. I sat in great distress at my
desk for many sleepless nights. Then, out of the blue, it hit me!  The answer
to the persistent question of why no surrounding fossils contain epifauna
when a pair of brachiopods covered in epifauna are in close proximity, a
brachiopod pair is two shellfish.


A group of brachiopods sit around a table for a club meeting. They start off
by introducing themselves. As they go around, the last brachiopod just
mumbled. The leader asked, "what is your problem? Can't you talk?" The
brachiopod next to the mumbler said, "oh you have excuse him, he's

My partner Keith and I spent all day in a shale formation, carefully parting
the shale layers while looking for trilobites. Late afternoon Keith became very
quiet. I asked him why. He said that he had a terrible headache that's been
building all day, and he was getting concerned due to its intensity. I told him
there is nothing to worry about; it was just a splitting headache.

What did the trilobite in the Cambrian formation still buried underneath
all the Paleozoic Formations say to the other. I've been feeling so low
these last few years….




If you have any fossil humor you would like to share, email and we will post it on this page.



2002- 2014

©Marc Behrendt